you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
