not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
