Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
