I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
