yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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