you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
