So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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