Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
