i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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