I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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