Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
