I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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