Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
