If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
