Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
