I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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