sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
