Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
