Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
