I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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