At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
