I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
