I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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