were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
