My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Apparently you make a good broom.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
