I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
