i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
