i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you traded sex for a burrito?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
