dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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