if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
