and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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