walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
