But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
