Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
