I want to have your abortion
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize