I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
