Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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