That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
