I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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