nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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