his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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