I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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