Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
