You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
