I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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