apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
