I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
