theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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