your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
