Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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