Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
