Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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