I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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