If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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