I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
