She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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