i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize