I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
